What
you can't see in the pic on my left arm is my HEYMAN! It is a twisted sort of
smiley face that stands for me. I started drawing it on notes in high school,
then got tied into the name of the art group I started, and now if my
logo/symbol.
On
my left arm, the top one is a symbol for my son I designed with his mother. The
lower one is for my best friend’s kid.
The
ones on the torso are each for a different chapter in my life.
The
panda is for my childhood, which I call Jail Baby. It is a doodle I used to do
of my favorite beanie baby toy. When I moved out of my parents’ house I lost
it. I came to find out 5 years later that my mom had sold it at a yard sale to
my aunt, when I spotted it in my cousin’s room. I stole him back. He now sits
above my son's bed, as his protector.
The
smaller, upper heart with the spiral represents the Era of Ryan and Lisa. I married my high school sweetheart shortly
after we bought a house together. It what I think too hearts all tangled up
together and twisted look like. Our
marriage only lasted 5 years. We were together a total of 10 years. She cheated
on me with a much older man with money while I was working to help her with
nursing school.
The
middle symbol is the Phoenix. It was a period of trial by fire, after my divorce.
I kept our house and rebuilt a whole life. I discovered who I was, had lots of
lonely and depressing nights, and due to working 70 hr weeks came to my peak
physical condition. I saved, and paid for a trip to Europe and Japan. I never
did more in such a short period of time. I greatly expanded my artistic
experiments. I built a barn for sculptures and my new trash picking truck.
Eventually, I considered college and decided to go and quit one of my 2 jobs. 2
weeks before I started classes I was fired from that factory job. My family and
culture is blue collar (although I have a heavily
scholastic/scientific/artistic nature). I chose to remain unemployed for the
first time since I was 14 to double up on my credits. To our family, this is a
suicidal approach. It leaves you no security, no protection. Work is your
foundation, and I chose to sacrifice all of it that to be better. No woman or job
would ever make me feel like less.
I
hit college hard and quickly became one of the most enthusiastic and reliable
students. I always got A's (well, except 2 classes in 6 years). I met a bunch
of literary and artistic friends and began writing and developing that skill,
as well as forcing them into multiple projects and events to make them utilize
their amazing skills. I also invented
Destructicon and a rainbow version of V for Vendetta for Cleveland Pride.
During
this period, I also fell in love with another woman. A co-worker from my 2nd
job who had worked with my ex for 6 years. She was a 32-year-old Christian virgin,
having retreated to her familial cocoon, after her fiancée left her at the altar.
A year later she was no longer a virgin, and a year after that she was
pregnant.
This
bled into the next period of my life, The AntiFather, which is the large heart
symbol under the Phoenix. In the center
of the Phoenix is a heart with a jagged crack and 6 eyelets. The, I called the
egg, from which the Phoenix was born. "Through the cracks of my broken
heart seeped liquid fire." This was based off a silver reproduction and
improvement of a cheap costume charm I had a friend make. I wore it throughout
the entire Phoenix and into AntiFather period, along with my wedding ring on a
chain around my neck. The eyelets were intended to be laced when I found my
next love and the entire necklace would be given to her on our wedding day.
This never happened. I never took the necklace off save for the 3 times I broke
the chain. AntiFather was a term I
coined when my best friend’s son was born, since I called him my AntiChild. It
is a nonsense word, but something I am growing meaning into.
The
core of the AntiFather symbol is everything that has come before all tied up
into one, with a keyhole with a K. Both me and his mother's last names begin
with K. He's both and the best of both of our families. His symbol, on my arm
is a key, shaped to fit the hole in my heart. Me and my son's mother never got
together. We tried to date several times, but her religious differences kept us
apart. Therefore, the eyelets never were bound and remain a scar I bear for his
and her sake. For all those who have hurt me, I will bear all those scars for
his sake. The symbol is called Redemption, as his is called Genesis. They bled
from the Phoenix, who was reborn and with it brought new life. He is my chance
for a new life and to finally redeem myself and my family's cursed name.
The
AntiFather has many ups and downs and after the volatile nature of the
Phoenix, this period had a lot of learning while I figured out what I will take
with me and who I will be for the rest of my life. So, unlike other more
definable chapters in my life, it has lots of subchapters, that brought me to
where I am today. I built a large dream studio at my house to protect my son
from my projects, but also to create everything I ever wanted. However, after
an Identity Crisis, and a purging of my ex-wife's mementos (called the
Rapture), several years later I came to Breakdown. My son's mother refused to
move in with me and I finally had to choose an end game for 6 years of college.
I just loved learning. It was time for me to choose who I was. And the most
important thing, was to be a father, a man who creates life. I gave up the
house, my dream studio, and everything I had built in my lonely fortress/art
museum/tomb/dungeon so I could be closer to my son and closer to a career and
hopefully, closer to love.
I
am here now, just starting to rebuild this new life.; the subchapter named
"The Age of Discovery," where me and my son get to discover who we
are.
My
story is not over yet, and I have way more tattoos ideas.
